Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.