I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.