The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.