I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Yup….perfect score!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today