Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
United Steaks of America
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.