(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I like crazy people until they notice me
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.