My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.