[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.