Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
#Caturday
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing