Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My dad teaching me to drive
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”