Warm pools make me nervous.
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Boating season is upon us.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Damn what did I do next
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.