So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts