Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.