Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You Might Also Like
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
my proudest tweet
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax