Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.