My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?