me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.