Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
i smell a pulitzer
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?