Ain’t no way
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DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”