*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
black phone good
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.