An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
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Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please