My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.