Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Happy thanksgiving!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise