My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.