The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
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pictures of spider-man
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later