My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Never forget.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*