2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.