There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Sing it!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
congratulations to them