You Might Also Like
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Oh boy, $150,000!
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
What even happened today?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”