my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
lol
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.