Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
he’s doing your taxes
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ