My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
A friend sent me this.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Cat is stressing him out.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.