soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Very good news from my accountant
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Chicago sounds lovely.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin