It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
You Might Also Like
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.