CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan