A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Same post same
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser