1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
english majors be like furthermore
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!