Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.