Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row