Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
buys donuts instead
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
we all know this pain all too well
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.