I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon