Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?