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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
…..pretty much.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.