Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Get in loser we’re going crying
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
umm…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!