I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: