I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: