ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My favorite female superhero
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Great Canadian literature.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please