I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉