A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?