Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
meow
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.